HBO’s War Gets Divorce Mediation Wrong. Here’s What the Process Actually Looks Like.
If you watch HBO’s new drama War, you might come away with the impression that divorce is a battle of strategy, leverage, and winning at all costs. The show explores the high-stakes world of divorce law, where attorneys maneuver for advantage and personal conflicts become part of a larger legal contest.
It makes for compelling television. But if you are considering divorce, it offers a very different picture from the process I provide to my clients.
As a divorce mediation attorney, I focus exclusively on helping couples resolve their divorce outside of court. My approach centers on thoughtful problem-solving, informed decision-making, and practical agreements that account for the realities of each family’s financial and personal circumstances.
Divorce mediation is not about winning against your spouse. It is about finding a way forward that works for both of you.
1. Mediation Is Not a Competition
In War, divorce negotiations unfold against a backdrop of competing interests, strategic maneuvering, and attorneys working to secure the best possible outcome for their individual clients. The result is a familiar portrayal of divorce as an adversarial contest.
Mediation works differently.
In my practice, I serve as a neutral mediator for both spouses. I do not represent either spouse individually, and I do not take sides. My role is to guide the discussions, explain the relevant legal framework, identify the issues that require attention, and help both spouses explore solutions.
That does not mean every conversation feels easy or every decision comes naturally. Divorce involves significant financial decisions, changing family relationships, and uncertainty about the future. Spouses often have different priorities and different ideas about what a fair outcome looks like.
The purpose of mediation is to work through those differences constructively, rather than turn them into a series of battles.
2. You Do Not Need to Agree on Everything to Mediate
One common misconception about divorce mediation is that it only works for couples who already get along or agree on most issues.
That is not my experience.
Mediation can be particularly valuable when spouses disagree about property division, spousal support, child support, parenting schedules, or the financial implications of ending a marriage. The important question is not whether you agree at the outset. It is whether you are both willing to participate in a process designed to reach resolution.
My job is to help you identify the issues, understand your options, evaluate potential outcomes, and work toward an agreement that addresses your family’s needs.
Sometimes that means clarifying a legal issue. Sometimes it means examining financial information more closely. And sometimes it means helping both spouses recognize that a decision about one asset, payment, or parenting arrangement affects other parts of the overall agreement.
Rather than treating each disagreement as a separate contest, mediation gives us a framework for considering the bigger picture.
3. Complex Financial Issues Belong in Mediation, Too
A dramatic divorce series naturally gravitates toward wealth, business interests, financial leverage, and disputes over significant assets. Those issues are not exclusive to television.
In my practice, I work with couples who have complex financial circumstances, including business ownership, investment accounts, retirement assets, real estate, and questions involving separate and community property.
These cases require careful analysis. Before making informed decisions, spouses need access to relevant financial information and a clear understanding of the issues that affect their options.
When appropriate, I coordinate with neutral financial professionals, including business valuation experts and forensic accountants, to help analyze the financial issues. This allows us to evaluate the information needed to make informed decisions rather than relying on assumptions or competing arguments.
The goal is not simply to divide assets on a spreadsheet. It is to understand how the various pieces fit together and develop a settlement that makes sense as a whole.
4. A Good Settlement Considers the Whole Picture
Divorce involves interconnected decisions. Property division affects liquidity. Retirement assets affect long-term financial security. Support affects monthly cash flow. Parenting arrangements affect both parents’ schedules and expenses.
A proposal that looks attractive when considered in isolation may not make sense when viewed alongside the rest of the agreement.
In mediation, we consider how the terms work together. We examine the financial and practical consequences of different options and look for opportunities to structure an agreement around the needs and priorities of both spouses.
This approach requires more than calculating numbers or arguing over individual provisions. It requires thoughtful analysis, creativity, and a willingness to consider alternatives.
It also requires recognizing that a fair resolution does not necessarily mean dividing every asset equally in precisely the same way or giving each spouse exactly what they initially request. The objective is to reach an informed, workable agreement that addresses the entire picture.
5. You Can Have Legal Guidance Without Turning Your Divorce Into Litigation
Another important distinction: mediation does not mean navigating divorce without legal guidance.
I offer two mediation models to accommodate different needs.
Mediation without attorney involvement: You and your spouse work directly with me during mediation sessions. You may each consult with an independent attorney outside of those sessions if you wish. I guide the process, explain the legal framework, help you evaluate options, and prepare the divorce documents.
Mediation with attorney involvement: You and your respective attorneys participate in mediation sessions together. I remain the neutral mediator, facilitating discussions and helping everyone work toward resolution. This model can be particularly useful when the issues are complex or you prefer to have your attorney present throughout the discussions.
Both models provide a structured alternative to traditional litigation. The appropriate approach depends on your circumstances, preferences, and the support you need.
You do not have to choose between a courtroom battle and figuring everything out on your own.
6. Mediation Is About More Than Reaching an Agreement
The end of a marriage involves more than resolving a legal case. It also means making decisions about your financial future, your family, and how you move forward.
For parents, the decisions made during divorce can shape their co-parenting relationship for years. For couples with substantial assets or business interests, the agreement can have lasting financial consequences. For everyone, the process itself affects the time, money, and energy available for the next chapter of life.
My approach emphasizes careful preparation, clear communication, and a structured process. We work through financial disclosures, identify the issues that require resolution, explore options, and document the agreements in a comprehensive marital settlement agreement. I also prepare the required divorce documents and handle the court filing process.
My practice focuses exclusively on mediation, which allows me to devote my work to helping families resolve their differences outside of court.
The objective is not merely to finish the divorce. It is to help you reach a resolution that reflects your circumstances and gives you a practical foundation for moving forward.
7. A Different Approach to Divorce Is Possible
War offers a dramatic portrayal of divorce in which conflict drives the story. Real divorce can certainly involve conflict, difficult decisions, and strong emotions. But an adversarial legal battle is not the only way to resolve a marriage.
Mediation offers another path: one that emphasizes informed choices, constructive dialogue, and solutions tailored to the family rather than decisions imposed by a judge.
Mediation is not appropriate for every situation, and it does not guarantee agreement. It requires both spouses to participate meaningfully and engage in a process aimed at resolution. But when it is a good fit, it offers an opportunity to approach divorce with greater control, privacy, and attention to the future.
You can take the legal and financial issues seriously without treating your spouse as your opponent. You can address complicated issues without allowing every disagreement to become a battle. And you can work toward a comprehensive settlement without making litigation the center of the process.
You do not need to win a war to move forward with your life.